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This past week has been insane.

I haven’t had much of a chance to think about Jerry’s passing. My principal hired a wonderful lady the first day we were back, and it seems as though Jerry has transferred or something. It is weird. Everyone else also seems to be in this state of denial. That will end as soon as the kids are back on Monday and we are dealing with the grief. I guess we’ll be coming to terms with our own then as well.

I’ve been working very long days, and that will continue, as the school district is offering me $50 an hour to tutor after school. I’d be a fool not to take that money, so I’ll be working later four days a week. I’m glad I’m getting an opportunity to build my savings back up again! I’m also committed to going to the gym for an hour every day, so things are busy busy busy.

I’ve been so busy that I was ready to quit my other blog, but a programmer in Canada fixed some things, and when I checked it out tonight, I found that I have 233 subscribers instead of the 3 that were previously showing up, and that Problogger had given me some props, which was cool. So I am inspired to hang in there. That blog is ranked at about 18,000 in Technorati after two months, which is sweet.

Here’s a weird thing. You know how women complain they can’t meet men? I don’t have this problem. But I should. I am waaaay too fat at this point, and I rarely make an effort to “look hot” because I have other things on my mind. I also never go out because I am too tired. Yet there are two guys who are interested, not counting the sporadic and confusing attentions of Stubeh.

I don’t want to “date”. My first responsibility is to to Sage, and I can’t dilute that by devoting too much energy to a guy. I also will not let him see me with any guys, ever. On the other hand, it would be nice to be friends. I’m getting some good offers, activity-wise. Target shooting, anyone?

Who am I kidding? This isn’t a problem, although it definitely is a mystery. My ego is loving it.

A couple of hours ago, I got a call from my principal, who is in New York. I heard it in her voice, and I knew what it was. My co-teacher (the guy in the next room who works with the other half of expelled high school kids) passed away this morning. It was unexpected, and then again, it wasn’t. She asked me to call other teachers and let them know. That was hard. It’s like, people sound so happy to hear from you after three months, and then you lay it on them.

He had diabetes and congestive heart failure. We used to talk quite a bit, and he always told me that he wanted to wait until he daughter Mandy graduated from high school before he died. He was in the hospital three times last year. I’d visit him and he’d be so cheerful. He’d return to school the morning he was released sometimes, because he was so worried about extra sick days being deducted from his pay.

Mandy is really into raising sheep and rabbits. Even though Jerry felt horrible many, many days, he always found time to go to all of the 4-H competitions and the basketball games, and there were a lot of them. He made me look downright lazy, what with all he was always doing to help his daughter get on the road to a scholarship to A & M for veterinary medicine.

He was in the hospital getting his foot operated on and he needed a blood transfusion. It didn’t go well, and he died this morning.

Damn it, I really wish he could have gotten his wish. He was a devoted father, and he hung in there as a teacher, even though our district relegated him to the alternative school after some nasty politics in the ag department at the high school. Fuckers.

My principal always put the country boys in his room, just like she put the Hispanic kids in mine. He was so good with those kids. Lots of them are coming back this year.

I feel bad for everyone–his family, the students, my colleagues and myself. I spent more time talking to Jerry last year than any other person save my children. I figure at this point we spent over 300 hours yakking, and I’m really going to miss that. I’ll miss the stability he brought to the program. Nothing could get that man riled.

I felt pissed off that he had to worry about showing up to work when he didn’t feel well. That feeling went away when I was visiting him in the hospital and he wanted to hear every single solitary bit of mischief that the kids had been up to in his absence.

I’m just blathering on here, and I’ve had too much wine. I’m trying not to cry, as Sage has a friend spending the night. I hate funerals. I’m dreading starting school now. I’ll miss him.

I suppose I should rename this site, “The Heavy, Depressing, Self-Involved Blog”. Between this site and the other one, it is like having a split personality. I love this blog, though, because here I do not ask myself the question, “What would my readers most enjoy reading?” It is what it is, and that takes the pressure off. Until Bloggrrl, I never appreciated how nice it is simply to write my thoughts out without thinking too much about it. That said, I really do appreciate the ten or so of you who come here, because this is the real me.

I keep feeling this void, the “box” phenomena, and I believe I’m beginning to understand where it is coming from. Sky is moving out. We moved the first boxes today, and he is spending the night over at his new place. It is about three miles away, and he is living with friends whom I “approve” of. He will now be right across the street from the college, which will be nice, as he rides a bike. He has wanted to live independently for years, and now he is beginning to do so.

I’ve seen bits of uncertainty crop up on his part. He is worried about how much certain food items cost, and how to cook them. He is asking me a lot of questions about how this whole business of being responsible for oneself works.

Lord I’m going to miss that boy being around me every day. Even though we are often on our respective computers, having his presence has been so nice, and so taken for granted. Until recently, I have tried not to think of the day when he would leave my house.

Yall know I’m lonely in this town, and so far, my son and my dad are the only people here whom I can really talk to. I mean, discussing social, political, economic theories and sharing the same sense of twisted humor. So part of the reason for this sadness that I feel is pure selfishness–I want to have more intellectual company. In my heart, I know that he will be fine on his own, as he is very capable. But still. It is sad somehow, and it makes me feel old.

I’m so glad to have Sage. He is joy incarnate. It is not as innocent of a relationship that I had with Sky, however. In the back of my mind, I am aware that he too will change, grow, and move away from me. It’s easy not to think about that with a first child.

The other part of the loneliness is spiritual neglect. I believe, but I don’t believe what most people believe. I don’t give a flip about dogma and religion, and shut down whenever I’m around it. It doesn’t mean that it (God) goes away though. It is just difficult to find a way to express it, nurture it. I’m enjoying reading some of Ghandi’s writings at the moment. His writings touch me. Without nurturing this side of me, I risk falling into an abyss of cynicism and despair over the state of things in the world today. Shoot, merely renewing my passport with the new RFID chips gave me fits and put me in a bad mood for two days. Thankfully, after reading a couple of historical novels dealing with the Tutor period, I again realized that things are not sooo bad. Religious political manipulation, greed and control of the populace are nothing new. So you look for the positive around you. For me, this is where faith must come in, and that can be difficult.

Good Things:

I washed Salsa, brushed her hair and took her beautiful doggy self out for a walk; she looked majestic.

Sage shows such sweetness every day. I am blessed to have such a loving child.

Life does offer quite a few options, and I love that freedom.

I’ve been drinking tons of Fiji water–so good, healthy–I love that stuff.

We have everything we really need, and a lot we don’t.

I’ve been communicating with so many people from around the world, many more than usual, and I love what I am learning about different cultures, for example, Malaysian.

I’m learning how to make money from this writing/blogging hobby of mine. (More freedom!)

Two days ago, Sky told me, “You’re different from my friends’ moms–you read books (this is apparently a great rarity here), and I can talk to you about stuff that matters.” When I asked him if he could talk to his friends about esoteric things, he laughed and said they would tolerate him for a few minutes and then change the subject. While it is unfortunate that he experiences the same sense of intellectual alienation that I do in this town, it was perhaps the highest complement I’ve ever received.

Well. There are my thoughts. I had to write them before I could sleep tonight in this house with one less person living in it.