Culture Shock
Posted on | August 31, 2008 | 12 Comments
Warning: Long post ahead.
Update: Teaching is going fine, and is currently even enjoyable!
Okay, so I decided that I needed more purpose in my life. To that effect, I went and volunteered my services at a local interfaith agency that provides emergency assistance to people in need. I signed on as an “encourager.” An encourager is a person who provides guidance and encouragement (read, life skills training) to someone reintegrating into the community from prison, facing eviction, etc.
They matched me up with a woman from Mexico who has six children, all of whom are under the age of ten. Her husband went back to Mexico in order to escape prosecution for raping her ten year old daughter. Although the lady has lived here since she was nine, she does not have legal papers. This is a more common scenario than you’d think.
My part is to meet with her once a week. At the staffing, I suggested that I would brainstorm with their client ways to make some money under the table. She gets food stamps for the kids, and some TANF, but of course it’s not enough to pay the electric bill and buy clothes, toilet paper, you know…
So I go over there today. She lives in this area off two country roads (yea me for driving there!) that is kinda cool, actually, with chickens running around everywhere and all that.
The chickens are where the cool part ends. The trailer does not have a working toilet (very apparent from the smell inside), has broken windows, no light in the kitchen or living room due to electrical issues, and was filthy. Like there was a cup of chocolate pudding that had been thrown against the wall and left there to dry. Like the bedrooms are nothing but piles of dirty clothes that I guess the kids sleep on.
The lady, I’ll call her J, and I talked for a while. I’m going to help her with some school issues with her kids–bullying, speech services. We talked about her husband. I learned who is the main purveyor of cocaine in town. The conversation was really amazing. It went somewhat like this:
“Yeah, I told that sonofabitch that he should have just stayed with his 16 year old girlfriend. He could see how she likes him after a while. He only lasted 15 minutes on top of me you know, and a young girl like that–she’s gonna want some excitement, she has energy for all that! She would have kicked him to the curb!”
“Yeah, huh.”
Anyway, all of this was being said in front of all the kids! Yikes, right?
So I’m trying to kick my judgmental nature to the curb. She is one of 16 children, four of whom died. She started dating the man, 40 at the time, when she was 17. I really don’t think she knows how to do this whole thing–men, children, house.
She was out of diapers, and that was gross, because the kids were running around in dirty underwear. She told me how much they cost. I ended up asked Greg to go to Walmart and buy some. When I gave them to her, she didn’t thank me. I think she wanted the money. I suspect that the man in Mexico isn’t the only one with a habit.
I took one of the boys home with me for the afternoon. He is the same age as Sage, and they had a great time playing. I took them to a stained glass store here in town, and the owners showed them all sorts of stuff. It was a blast. The kid DID NOT want to go home. He made me promise I would come back. His mom says he never gets out of the house. Ack!
The ten year old daughter was ticked off that she didn’t get to go with me. The mom doesn’t let her go anywhere, because she wants her to watch the younger kids–1, 3, 4 and 6. She is resentful.
I worked with her for a while on her homework. She says that she never has her homework done because the kids are always running around being all noisy. True, that. The kids have no limits or routine, and it is chaos.
There is not one book or toy in or out of the house. There is a bunch of dangerous looking junk, however, that Greg is going to haul off next weekend.
Anyway, I have this idea. I’m going to take the last seat out of the minivan and put a blanket and some throw pillows back there. I’m going to add some age appropriate books. Then, I’m going to drive over there every day after school and we are going to read. (Kids in our district are supposed to read 15-30 minutes each night and document it.) Sage can read with them, and help the six year old. I can help everyone with their homework. I’ll bring snacks.
If the mom will just take care of the three littlest ones for an hour, it will work. These kids are still at the age when they WANT to do well in school.
Also, I’m going to suggest taking all of the kids for one weekend if she’ll agree to use that time to clean the trailer. Then, the next weekend, I’ll bring paint. No one should have to live like these people are living. It is just like a third world country. Actually, the dung covered mud huts are usually cleaner, from the photos I’ve seen. This is going to be one heck of a project.
Which leads me to the question of….how does one motivate another person who has been trapped in a rut for their ENTIRE LIFE? I went into this situation thinking that a woman with six kids whose partner had just left the country would be plenty eager to make money. I have a lot of ideas and resources. She didn’t even want to talk about it! Advice? I know you can’t change a person, but in this case, it’s certainly worth a try. The kids need a better life than this.
I’m going to bring her my decorating magazines. I don’t always like the fact that I read them, because it makes me want more. However, in her case, I think she needs to want more.
P.S. I’m sorry I haven’t been stopping by. My head is about to explode. I’ll check by soon.
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12 Responses to “Culture Shock”
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August 31st, 2008 @ 1:53 am
I cannot imagine living like that and what those kids must go through. I am in awe of you for helping, and for your wonderful idea of a reading van. That would be a refuge for those kids.
Margaret’s last blog post..Margaret malcontent
August 31st, 2008 @ 2:02 am
I admire you for doing this. (Especially the part about taking kids to a GLASS store…) Perhaps one of the most important thing to do is to show these people that there are other possibilities and they don’t have to be in a rut (or trailer) like that. Though I am not sure how exactly they can accomplish that, the most important is for them to believe that there’s hope for a different life.
Kelvin Kao’s last blog post..Viral Puppet Video Based on Movie “Fearless”
August 31st, 2008 @ 9:21 pm
First of all: huge respect.
Second of all: don’t judge her apathy too harshly. Orwell wrote about how poverty and a desperate lack of money seem to dull your senses, and when I was unemployed for a while, I found that I couldn’t seem to get the least thing done. I felt like the only thing I should be doing was finding work, but that wasn’t going anywhere, so I kind of got stuck in the middle.
Thirdly: even more huge respect.
Pacian’s last blog post..Into the Mind of the Sky Spiders: Part 11
August 31st, 2008 @ 11:16 pm
Hey M –
Tough gig – great for you digging in there. As you said, you can’t change a person … that’s for them to do. But, you can focus on the kids and try to make their world a little better. And you can listen and be her friend. That’s probably the best place to start. Just keep listening and let a friendship foster … maybe through getting to know you, she’ll want to move her life in a similar direction … this will take time.
Patience grasshopper.
JP/deb
JanePoet – JP/deb’s last blog post..Spectacle
September 1st, 2008 @ 12:17 am
Wow…I agree with Pacian…huge respect for you and what you are doing.
I wish I had some advice but sadly have none. I can’t imagine living this way or even doing what you are for that matter. Huge respect for you. You are truly an inspiration and look forward to hearing about how things go.
Lee Anne’s last blog post..Trucks
September 1st, 2008 @ 5:11 am
Thanks for stopping by. I was getting a little worried about you. Speaking of worried, I hope that you get through Gustav ok. If the power goes out just hang in there and hunker down until things are back to normal. I will be thinking of you all there.
Take care,
Ken
Ken Albin’s last blog post..Oh No!!
September 1st, 2008 @ 6:14 am
Wow Michelle. that is something. It is so hard to imagine to live like that and how that makes you feel and act. All the stuffing gets taken out of you. I worked with young adults who had tough times and they had it tough.
You take care of yourself too, AND it is not your fault.
wilma’s last blog post..And the tenant is . . . .
September 1st, 2008 @ 12:04 pm
Thanks Michelle for helping someone less fortunate than you are!
Thomas Malory, a convict and sitting in a prison cell in the 15th century – resurrected the stories of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. The story of King Arthur ignited a passion amongst the rejects, misfits, barbarians and castoffs living on the small island of England to rise and conquer the world. But not a word of King Arthur’s story is true.
I think encouraging reading is an awesome idea. One suggestion: see if you can rags-to-riches stories that these kids can understand.
Nothing motivates people as much as them knowing that someone else faced similar situations like them and yet went on to succeed.
In a similar vein, never tell the mom to do something directly. It will just build resentment. Instead, while conversing, tell her how someone who was worse off worked to make her life better. Don’t even tell the mom that she should be like those people. She will build the connection herself.
If you give her a solution, she will not heed it. But if you tell her stories, she will come up with the solutions herself. And those solutions WILL BE implemented – because she thinks she thought of them!
Ankesh Kothari’s last blog post..Smart Waiters & Dumb Burglars (How To Use Subtle Hints To Get Things Done)
September 1st, 2008 @ 12:45 pm
You are truly a braver person than me. I would have high-tailed it probably. But you’re pretty awesome.
I agree with Ankesh. If you push a solution onto her, she’ll just see you as overbearing. I think if you do work with her kids and show her an example of mothering, as well as what happiness is… she might want to strive for it. I think focusing your energy on the kids, she’ll see that they really are important.
Yeah, she needs a lot of help and self-motivation. Just know that you’re just one member of the village.
What a great lesson for Sage too.
mary’s last blog post..One Bad Mama Jama
September 4th, 2008 @ 7:22 pm
Wow! Thats an amazing story. I don’t think I could do it, honestly. You must be an angel. Don’t let her take advantage of you, though.
meg’s last blog post..The Dress
September 6th, 2008 @ 4:29 am
And to think that Sarah Palin so sarcastically belittles “community organizers/activists”. Where would so many of the upcoming generations be without the likes of you? You are absolutely amazing.
Tonya’s last blog post..OMG! You’ve Gotta See This!
September 21st, 2008 @ 9:57 pm
Wow! That sounds like one heck of an undertaking…it’s great that you are doing this. I just hope she begins to appreciate it. Also, be careful that you don’t overstep any boundaries as far as taking her kids for the weekend etc….make sure you know the rules of the program.
Nick’s last blog post..Let The Frenzy Commence