I haven’t been over here as much because I’ve been scrabbling for money elsewhere on the web. And, as previously mentioned, as the agoraphobia abates, I’ve been doing more stuff. There’s a heck of a lot that has been going on, though. The easiest way to write about it is to just make it an itemized list.

1. Sage and I have been having fun making jewelry. I would post pics but I lost my camera. Time for a NEW one! He is worried because boys “aren’t designers.” I beg to differ. Actually, I’ve never thought about it before, but most jewelers seem to be men.

2. My brother is having panic attacks. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, so it is very painful to watch, listen to, etc. He had gotten engaged, and around this same time is when some very nasty white folks (won’t post the name here–don’t want the search results) began harrassing him at work and trying to get him to join up. Yep, since Obama was elected, the kooks are out and trying to organize. To be a member of this select group, you have to kill someone. Apparently. My brother is freaking out. The original freakout has led to him not wanting to drive, be around crowds or basically even leave the house. His fiance is not taking this well at all. He stands to lose a lot.

This stuff has been making me think a lot. About how the platitudes, well meant, that are being given my brother don’t work. How I am tired of helping victims. I think that the people who make people victims need to be dealt with. Evil happens when good people do nothing. But what is something? We’ve already went through all of the proper channels. I am not thinking nice thoughts.

3. Greg and Sage are going up to Texarcana tomorrow for a Thanksgiving thing. I don’t want to go. I wouldn’t want to go if it was next door. Instead, I am going over to my parents’ house for my brother’s birthday, which falls on that same day. I am making a yellow cake with pumpkin cream cheese frosting. He’s not really eating much, because he’s so stressed out, but hopefully the thought will count for something. Then we’re having Thanksgiving dinner at my in-laws on Friday. My family is not up to dealing with Thanksgiving AT ALL this year. They have just been going through hell with my brother. He is so paranoid that he is checking out of windows all of the time and stuff like that. The scary thing is wondering how much of it is paranoia. Those are some seriously evil folks. I would leave town. Maybe.

4. I’ve been writing for Cash Kitties lately, but I’m not sure if I’ll keep it up or not. I’m also writing for Constant Content, Pay Per Post, and eHow. This past week, I have made 17 cents on eHow with about the same number of articles. I hope it is because of the changes they’ve been making with their site, because those articles are indexed and have 500 page views and that is just pathetic. Especially since I’ve used the Adwords tool to write almost all of them. The best money comes from PPP, right now to the tune of $50 a day. Constant Content sells one of my articles about once a week, which is okay, since I don’t have many over there. I’m putting up a writing website with clips and all that so I can apply for some more writing jobs.

5. I don’t know why I’m doing all this writing stuff when I’d like to do something more creative. My soul is literally crying out for it. Writing ads is boring, boring, boring. Well, I KNOW. Money, obviously. Still, I have discovered that I can drill holes in rock and I’m having a blast with that. I want to make jewelry out of found natural objects like rock, bone and feathers. I’m working on it when I’m not writing or teaching. Once again, no photos due to lack of camera.

That’s it, really, except for my love/hate relationship with my job. I realized this week that it is difficult for me to invest much of myself into it because I get too upset with the bullshit when I do.

Whining ahead.

I’ve been working on the agor thing. I’ve been able to travel much further. Greg has been wanting to go to Houston. I didn’t think we were going to be able to go this weekend, because he had to work. His work got canceled at the last minute, though, and now he and Sage are going. I’m not going because I have this horrible, horrible PMS that is causing all kinds of anxiety and mood problems right now. It is not the right time, and I cannot help that.

I’m so disappointed that I can’t go. Or that it would be misery if I tried, or whatever. I’m TIRED of missing out on things with my family. I HATE not getting to see Sage experience new places.

When Greg told me they were going, I burst out crying. I’ll be spending the day by myself, probably having a pity party. He got mad at me for not being more gracious, and of course Sage is not thrilled about going without me. That is a shame, because they’ll be skating at the Galleria.

I don’t feel like a good human being right now.

There’s this really cool sculpted bronze horse at a shop near my house. They also have a bronze rhinoceros. Sage’s friend AJ is obsessed with horses, so we stopped by. It is so incredibly detailed. I have no idea what it costs!

Today, I saw a photo of me that was taken at work. I no longer look like Jabba the Hut. Apparently, I look like a normal human being. Go slow carb diet!

I have two students who are biding their time before they can legally drop out. These two, if not allowed to leave by the nurse, will deliberately act out and get sent home on a referral. Why, oh why, must we have mandatory education for children who don’t want it. And more importantly, whose parents don’t care for it either?

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before or not, but sometimes I think one of the best things that could ever happen to education in this country would be if it cost money and was not quite so easily attainable. I think as soon as people started feeling excluded from it, they would start demanding it. Education has zero value to many students. Why can’t we change that? We all know that people tend to value things more that they have had to invest in somehow.

My job is so weird. I have days (like yesterday) when I could just walk out of my classroom and never return, and then on other days, I feel like I have a purpose there. Kinda. It usually seems like my purpose is related to helping get kids out of the system one way or another. At the beginning of the year, I was actually teaching, and that was fun and refreshing. I still get a chance to do that now and then…

And I’m broke. I am not thinking about the economy. I have been thinking about which necklace looks the best with which shirt. Stuff like that. I’m deliberately cultivating shallowness. Thinking about other things snarls up my stomach.