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So I’ve had a BIG decision. It has to do with the fact that I am getting pretty burnt out on the classroom, yet still have the desire to actually teach something.

I’m applying for one of the 15 slots in the next Educational Leadership Ph.D. cohort. My chances at this point look good. I’ve got GRE scores that are more than 200 points over what is required, my old boss teaches in that department and I have a good background.

If I keep my old job while working towards my Ph.D., it is going to be HARD. Assuming that I get in the program to begin with, of course.

I could get a research fellowship that pays half of what I currently make, but I’d have to make up the money with my Internet stuff. Which means I’d better get cracking on generating “passive income”, because I won’t have time to do anything once this program starts.

I feel really excited and good about this. It feels good to be moving away from something that I am tired of, and towards finding something that I am sure to enjoy. It’s an added bonus that instead of sitting here at my teaching job becoming more and more cynical, I will get to actively work at some of the problems that make me feel that way. I love the idea of being a professor and shaping public policy through my research while teaching.

More money won’t hurt anything either, although we won’t be rich.

Wish me luck on this one! I’ll probably be hearing something in sometime in March.

Hopefully, insurance is going to cover my stuff. I’ve earned $300 writing this month, and I’m getting another $300 stipend for mentoring another teacher. I’ve already bought all of the Christmas presents I’m going to buy, so I ought to be able to get another laptop ($800 range) and then put the insurance money in savings–after I’ve bought a new iPod. That would be a good outcome, right?

Pacian was spot on about how losing the novel can be a positive thing. Now I don’t have to worry about reworking it. I can start from scratch. Perhaps it was an albatross of sorts anyway, blocking me from writing other things.

I tell myself these things, and I believe them.

Yesterday, I came home and noticed that my laptop was missing. It had been sitting right smack dab in the middle of the kitchen table. I looked around the house, and then called Greg to see if he had taken. He hadn’t. So then I called the police, who came over, found an unlocked window (!!) and three muddy footprints.

I wish the dog wasn’t so stinky. I had put her in the back of the house where she couldn’t get out. Nothing was stolen from the back of the house.

However, in addition to my laptop, my iPod was stolen (along with the cord, which was hidden in a box underneath the TV) and hundreds of dollars of software. Unfortunately, the software was in a CD case that also included my novel–the backup copy.

So, the novel is gone gone gone. I guess it was never meant to be.

I am mad mad mad.

When will all this shit quit happening????

I just got a new data plan through At&T, and I’m in the process of testing it out to see if it will work in the boondocks. We are on the road right now. I got it specifically so that I would be distracted from negative thoughts while in the car. I figure this is way, way cheaper than therapy, although at $60 a month and slow speeds, it is not cheap.

I have thirty days to try it out. We’re going to Houston in two weeks, and I plan to use it then as well. If it doesn’t work well, I could still send it back. But…hopefully this will help me get back on the road!!

I just stopped by Margaret’s and read about how her college daughter might be taking the wrong classes, and I’ll be petty and admit it: I’m jealous. I’m also asking myself what she did as a parent that I didn’t.

Right now, Sky seems determined not to find a job in Portland. I don’t buy that there “aren’t any.” Bullshit. He didn’t take much with him when he went, and now he tells me that he is cutting down on his possessions so that they “will fit in one bag.”

I swear, this kid seems bent on becoming homeless. He doesn’t see it as a BAD thing, he seems to think it is COOL.

He has done so many hallucinagins that he either is having frequent flashbacks or is developing schizophrenia. He told me about his hallucinations and so on after I told him about my brother and the hell he is going through with schizophrenia. He thinks alternate versions of reality are fine, and I think, “Shit, I have had way too many philosophical discussions with this child, when I should have been…I dunno–beating some sense into his head?”

I am worried about him. That is an understatement, actually. I am angry, too.

My brother comes home (to my parent’s house) today from the psychiatric hospital. The insurance ran out. He is not entirely stabilized, although my parents say they don’t think there is a danger at this point. I will have to “babysit” so that my parents can get out of the house. I’m not looking forward to that, because my 6’10″ brother out of his mind scares me.

I feel like I am always on the verge of crying, at least when I let myself remember that these things are happening.

So after the excitement yesterday, I took a mental health day. Things were crazy at work all day yesterday, and then when I got the call to go and help deal with my brother, things just got way more intense, with the day ending in the emergency room. Like I said, the encounter with the police went well. Other good news is that he doesn’t have a brain tumor.

I’m really wondering about his fiancee. They were supposed to get married soon. She is just beside herself. I’m wondering if she will stick by him or not. I wonder if he will get better or not.

I can see why in the old days they thought people with schizophrenia were possessed. I would think that too if I didn’t know anything about the disorder. It is beyond weird.

This whole thing makes me even more concerned about Sky and his enjoyment of LSD, which is a known trigger for schizophrenia.

I wish I could have a mental health week. Thanksgiving was hell. I’m counting the days until Christmas break in the hopes that it will be much better.

So it is possible the whole thing with my brother being harassed by those particular individuals didn’t happen. What has happened is that he had a major psychotic episode. It appears to be paranoid schizophrenia. I had to get a commitment order from the judge because he was a danger to himself and my parents couldn’t bring themselves to do it.

It sucked and still sucks. It is hard seeing my brother crazy. It is like he is a different person.

The police were able to take him to the hospital with no major drama going down, thank goodness. Even though it took 20 minutes for them to talk him into the car, it was okay. This was the best experience with police that I’ve ever had.

He is now in a psychiatric treatment facility.

PS. I will be writing a lot more now. If you read my posts, you’ll probably understand why.