The Recital I Didn’t Go To

Posted on May 31, 2009 by Michelle

I’m having one of my “big loser” moments. I’ve been having a lot of them these past couple of days. Today is Sage’s first piano recital. In fact, it is in fifteen minutes. I didn’t go. I didn’t go because I was having panic at the mere thought of going, because it is five minutes out of town. I went ahead and washed my hair, ironed my clothes, put on make-up and took two more milligrams of an anti-anxiety drug. I should be so drugged right now that I should not be awake, never mind having anxiety attacks and writing about them. Unfortunately, that was not to be. There is no mellow Michelle at the piano recital, because the adrenalin rushes just wouldn’t stop, and then the crying started and I hadn’t even gotten in the damn car.

So I feel like a horrible mother. Thankfully, he has Greg there, my brother and both sets of grandparents. It is only me that is missing. I felt it was important that I be there, though, and I’m not.

I hate my hormones. This agor stuff had gotten a bit better, and it is bad again right now for three reasons. Reason Number One is PMS. This is related to Reason Number Two, which is that I quit Zoloft, which was destroying any creative impulses and feelings of joy. It helped somewhat with the PMS. Reason Number Three is entirely my fault, and it is that I quit doing Sugarbusters, which was really having a positive effect on the anxiety. So here I sit, fat AND anxious, at home.

I have bronchitis right now, and that is not helping either. I just feel worn down. And my stupid, irrational thoughts don’t help. Thoughts like:

and so on…

I am bummed out. I’m trying really hard not to be mad at myself, because if we had driven to the church where the recital is going to be beforehand, that probably would have gotten rid of the majority of the anticipatory anxiety. If I had not been eating sugar and jacking with my blood sugar. If I had waited longer to quit the Zoloft.

If, if, if.

Emotional

Posted on May 28, 2009 by Michelle

I’ve almost cried once today. And I actually did cry before that. It’s been such a roller-coaster of a day.

The first thing that happened was that Sage was getting an award at school today (for music!) and I had to work. I did walk over to his school to drop off some goodies for the class, and when I saw the other parents filing into the auditorium, I just totally choked up, because I wanted to be there instead of at work.

One of our instructional aides saw the tears in my eyes when I got back and asked what was wrong. I told her and she got someone to cover my class. So I walked back over there and got to see my kiddo get his award!

I ended up telling my students about this experience–how very difficult it is to be both the parent you want to be and do the job you want to do. Some of my students take parenthood lightly, so I suppose I was hoping to convey how darn important it really is. Several of my students shared with me that they had never gotten an award. That made me so sad, because while watching the award ceremony, I noticed that the students who received the most awards were those who parents are pretty active in the school, so I know those students are very supported. My students should get awards for surviving hellish upbringings and neighborhoods without being incarcerated (at present, anyway).

Sage also got “commended” on our state standardized test in writing. Although I’m not a fan of standardized tests, this meant a lot to me, because after seven years, Sage just got out of the special education program for speech/language. When he was struggling, he never got awards or recognition, and it seemed that he was overlooked because of his disability. I used to feel so angry about that.

The guy came to fix our washing machine, which had a broken lid switch. Greg was at home, and called me this afternoon to let me know how much it cost. It was $130 for 15 minutes work and an eighteen dollar part. I told my students about this as well. They need to give this guy some competition so that prices will go down a bit! For a moment, I wondered why I didn’t go into appliance repair.

Here’s the reason, and the reason I almost started crying again. School’s about out, and I was telling my students how much I enjoyed this year, and had really been enjoying this class in particular. I said, “I really like yall”!

Well, this one student I have, who has been challenging to say the very least, not to mention rude, disruptive and a host of other bad behaviors, said, “I like you too Miss.”

And that meant the whole world to me.

Seeing that kiddo (and others) learn manners and exhibit a desire to learn over the past few months has been amazing. He hasn’t been the only one. One of my juniors told me that she had been paying close attention to my World Geography class all year, and that she had never learned so much in a class in her entire life. Kids gave me email addresses, phone numbers and promises to stay in touch.

Unlike working with washing machines, with kiddos it’s really hard to let go sometimes.

I’m Skipping the Sales on Memorial Day

Posted on May 24, 2009 by Michelle

Here’s the thing. I really don’t get the point of Memorial Day in this country. We are typically off from work, unless we work in an industry that sells something that can go on sale on Memorial Day of course.

We cook out, camp out and shop our hearts out. What we don’t seem to do is honor any of the people who sacrificed their lives for our country or their families either, for that matter.

I think Memorial Day needs to be an IN YOUR FACE sort of holiday. As in, PEOPLE DIE IN WARS, AND WE ARE GOING TO TAKE AN ENTIRE DAY OFF FROM WORK TO ACKNOWLEDGE THIS SAD, SAD FACT.

If we can’t do that, then the heck with it. We can call the holiday something else, like National Day of Shopping. Let’s be honest with ourselves, at the very least.

Alpha Males and Pink Lowriders

Posted on May 24, 2009 by Michelle

I’ve been thinking about how a lot of pregnancies are due to “alpha males” spreading their genetic material around. As for the women, surely it is an expression of our genes that we so frequently choose to procreate with men who offer little hope of security for the family. An Oxford study done in 2004 suggests that there are over 14 million people who are descendants of Genghis Khan, perhaps the most alpha male of them all. So what do you think? I think that beta males are easier to live with, and make better friends and life partners. And no, I’m not pregnant.

I’ve been fighting off a yukky cold for the past three days. I’m hoping I’m over it before school begins again on Tuesday. At that point, there will be three and a half days left. I’m really going to miss my kiddos. But…I’ve already started making plans to keep myself (and Sage) busy this summer. The first thing I’m doing is taking a sewing class downtown at a new fabric shop that I just adore. I’m going to hone my skills and get really crafty again. (I’ll have to seriously limit computer time–I’m so addicted to StumbleUpon!)

Today, Greg did the grocery shopping. He called me from the store six times. But Sage was feverish (same cold) and it was nice not to go. He brought home some raspberries and tulips. The raspberries are sooo gone.

I’ve started a pattern of downloading new music every weekend. Today it was Bill Evans both because he reminds me of shopping in Neiman Marcus and because of course we need a wide variety of piano music in the house. Oh, and I like jazz.

My next project is going to be to make this cute fabric bowl. I’ve got the perfect fabric for it…Gotta finish the hubcap clocks first, though.

The cake I made last week? Everyone who tried it said that it was the best cake they’d ever had. Seriously. The staff kept finding excuses to come by my room after they heard about it, and the kids raved about it, which is unusual for a group of tough guys. The recipe is a keeper for sure. It’s easy too. For the frosting, I simply made a ganache, beat it up and added powdered sugar until it was the consistency I wanted. It will be making an appearance at our end of the year potluck, sans truck.

Speaking of trucks, my kiddos are seriously into fixing up their cars with expensive rims and all that. It seems that many Mexicans approach cars the same way some approach building a house–get something cool and affordable, and then fix it up as you get the money. It’s a great way to do things–if I didn’t think so, I wouldn’t have my house…ha! I’ve been referred to a man named Nacho, who can give my minivan a candy coat, rims and replace the falling crap on the ceiling with a lizard print if I’d like. I’m seriously tempted. It would be more fun to have a pink tricked out minivan than a boring newish car in my price range…

Missing the lowrider shows in Austin…

A Different Kind of Mud Cake, for Starters

Posted on May 19, 2009 by Michelle

Sage and I had a blast making this cake. The cake itself is very chocolaty, as you can tell from this prizewinning recipe. The frosting is a ganache that I whipped up with some powdered sugar. I saved some of the original stuff for the mud puddles. The sprinkles are cows, which I thought was appropriate, because these country boys around here are always hitting them with their trucks.

The cake is for a student of mine who is turning 18 tomorrow, although he has had to grow up pretty fast, as he lost both of his parents this past year. He’s been spending a lot of time looking for a new truck, hence the truck idea, which is also partly the fault of a cake I saw on Cakewrecks.com becoming part of my subconscious cake library…

We almost went with a Lego truck, but decided the monster truck would do just fine (and wouldn’t need to be put together at the last minute.)

I’m counting down the days until school ends. At this point it is eight days. I really don’t know why I am doing this, because I have been enjoying being there, especially lately. I’m on some sort of creative roll, and I have a class that has really bonded and become a “community.”

I found this flower, which is on a big ole weed, when we were out walking the other day. I’ve never seen anything quite like it, and the plant looked like a dandelion plant–but wasn’t.

We had a blast this weekend hanging out with Greg’s cousin Sherylyn from Idaho. Frankly, she’s the first person in his family that I’ve clicked with. We went out to eat together tonight, and I’m sad that she’s going back to Idaho on Wednesday. I don’t feel that “click” feeling all that often around here, so when I meet someone cool, I really appreciate it.

I found this picture, quite possibly on Apartment Therapy, but I’m not sure. At any rate, I’d love for my bedroom to pretty much look exactly like this one.

Sage is doing excellent with the piano. He’s adding his own little bits, experimenting with songs done in different scales and all that. He picked it up really fast. I downloaded a LOT of music this weekend for him. I really believe that he is going to become a musician. He already is! While I was doing all of this downloading, I found Dengue Fever, a Cambodian band from LA that really rocks. I also downloaded a lot of jazz piano and “Play that Funky Music White Boy.” You know, cuz I got to keep it real.

I don’t know about you all, but I am really hating politics/the world situation right now. I think we should all work on saving our country and ourselves (for starters) by overwhelming the corporate “governments” with our farmer’s markets and other local endeavors. Here is a very inspiring article on that very topic: How Local Self Reliance Will Overthrow the System. I think the time is finally right for people to finally start pulling together in this direction. People are feelin’ that there aren’t any local jobs, you know?

Can’t wait to have chickens again!

Just Some Stuff

Posted on May 10, 2009 by Michelle

A few minutes ago, I rescued this ladybug from a bucket of some sort of sludge that Greg has left in the front flowerbed. She’s relieved to be on some lemon balm, I think!

I bought another new plant this weekend and then forgot the name of it. We are going to be overrun with plants. This one will be living in my already-crowded classroom window during the winter. It is starting to look like a greenhouse in there, since my sunny classroom is the perfect place to winter plants, especially when there are so many helpful hands.

I found an unexpected bunch of flowers when I opened up the crisper and found these had been growing on the bok choy…in the dark of all things. Who knew?

The rest of the weekend has been really relaxing. We played Monopoly, and although I tried to teach Sage to be ruthless and make deals with me to get Greg out of the game, he sold Greg a property because otherwise, “it wouldn’t be fair”. What a sweetie!

Sage and I made origami boxes, and we were working together on making peace cranes, and HE ended up showing ME how to do it. So when my child can follow a tutorial better than I can, I guess I can stop worrying about comprehension problems. We found some great video tutorials and animated tutorials on Wonder How To.

We also made a bracelet for him. It is silver two letters on a black rubber bracelet. They say, “HA”. It stands for “Homework” and “Agenda”, because he needed a visual reminder. No one has to know that, though. It just looks cool.

I got my Mother’s Day gifts early. Sage was pretty much dancing up and down until I opened my gifts, which he was responsible for telling Greg I wanted. I got some lovely earrings, some chocolate and a gift certificate for a mani/pedi.

My own mom has taken off gambling in Louisiana, so I’ll have to wait until she gets back to give her my gift, which she’ll probably find a reason to return, because that’s how she rolls.

We found an awesome new store downtown. It’s a hippie/new age kind of joint, and I spent a ridiculous amount of money on a huge Tibetian singing bowl, because the tone relaxes me like a drug. I don’t have it yet, because it’s on layaway–remember that? I got to play a didgeridoo, and was told I have natural talent at it. Who’d have thunk? It was soooo fun! Greg had to drag both Sage and me out of there. We would have stayed all day.

I made a frittata for breakfast, we ate green tea ice cream for lunch, and there’s a roast cooking for dinner. I’m almost done with the laundry. Life is good.

However, I am too fat. I gained almost all my weight back! I saw my aunt and uncle for the first time in forever, and I won’t post the photo because I look so BIG. That’s the same reason there is no photo of me wearing my new earrings, either. This summer, Sage and I are going to be working it at the rec center. Part of the reason I fell of my low-carb thing is because of sites like foodgawker. Seriously. Just type in broccoli. Or chocolate. Or blueberries.

Moving right along, the previous week was good too. I taught two students to crochet, and four how to play chess. We’re having a chess tournament next week! My students are really bonded, and are disappointed that they can’t come back next year, which is weird since I work at the disciplinary alternative school. Anyway, I’m hoping that this week is just as good–three more weeks left and we’re outta there!

Upcoming things…working late every Wednesday to make up hours for a holiday that my district wasn’t supposed to have, Boy Scouts, piano practice for Sage, dermatologist appointment for Sage (wart, moles, rash), Sage’s school play, Sage’s piano recital…it’s going to be a busy busy couple of weeks!

The last day of school? I have a massage scheduled.

Singing the Sky

crafty goodness

Monthly Archives: May 2009