I’m having one of my “big loser” moments. I’ve been having a lot of them these past couple of days. Today is Sage’s first piano recital. In fact, it is in fifteen minutes. I didn’t go. I didn’t go because I was having panic at the mere thought of going, because it is five minutes out of town. I went ahead and washed my hair, ironed my clothes, put on make-up and took two more milligrams of an anti-anxiety drug. I should be so drugged right now that I should not be awake, never mind having anxiety attacks and writing about them. Unfortunately, that was not to be. There is no mellow Michelle at the piano recital, because the adrenalin rushes just wouldn’t stop, and then the crying started and I hadn’t even gotten in the damn car.
So I feel like a horrible mother. Thankfully, he has Greg there, my brother and both sets of grandparents. It is only me that is missing. I felt it was important that I be there, though, and I’m not.
I hate my hormones. This agor stuff had gotten a bit better, and it is bad again right now for three reasons. Reason Number One is PMS. This is related to Reason Number Two, which is that I quit Zoloft, which was destroying any creative impulses and feelings of joy. It helped somewhat with the PMS. Reason Number Three is entirely my fault, and it is that I quit doing Sugarbusters, which was really having a positive effect on the anxiety. So here I sit, fat AND anxious, at home.
I have bronchitis right now, and that is not helping either. I just feel worn down. And my stupid, irrational thoughts don’t help. Thoughts like:
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1. I will have a horrible adrenaline rush on the way to the church, like the one that happened two years ago, and I will not want to go anywhere for another year.
2. I will see someone from high school whom I haven’t seen for years and she will see how fat I am and be judgemental.
3. I will pass out from anxiety during the recital and thus ruin the entire thing.
4. I will have to ask Greg or my mom to take me home, ruining their experience.
and so on…
I am bummed out. I’m trying really hard not to be mad at myself, because if we had driven to the church where the recital is going to be beforehand, that probably would have gotten rid of the majority of the anticipatory anxiety. If I had not been eating sugar and jacking with my blood sugar. If I had waited longer to quit the Zoloft.
If, if, if.
Agoraphobia really sucks, especially since most people who don’t have it don’t understand. I’m sure that Sage knows you wanted to be there. Feel better soon and take care of that bronchitis so you can yell at the kids properly.
Ken Albin’s last blog post..A senior student email
That would certainly be frustrating on so many levels. But I’m sure that he knows that you wanted to be there and that you will try to be next time. I’m so sorry!! Lo siento.
Margaret’s last blog post..What happened to my weekend?
Your avatar kicks ass.
Get well soon! Like what Ken said, Sage knows you wanted to be there. It’s the thought that counts (and matters most).
And I think that’s a good reason to keep up with the piano thing, so there will be even more recitals, eh?
Kelvin Kao’s last blog post..School Pageant: Flower
I had something happen in my life once that made me start having panic attacks, eventually I worked through it, but I saw a therapist who was a hypnotist and he helped me work through it. Then I always carried a Xanax in case it happened, and just knowing that it was there if I needed it helped me to stay calm.
I know it sounds a little out there, but the hypnosis really helped. You’ll get through this Michelle. Don’t feel guilty, it just makes things worse.
Emma’s last blog post..RIP Michael
Don’t beat yourself up over it Michelle. Emotions can put hurdles in our way that are as real as any locked door or brick wall.
Pacian’s last blog post..Um so…