I have been such a liar lately. Everyone asks me how my brother’s wedding went, and I say, “It was just lovely.” Actually, that is not a complete lie, since by all accounts (and the video I watched), it was very lovely. I just wasn’t there. It’s one of those omission sort of lies…letting people assume you did something that you really didn’t do, because, you know, I just really don’t want to go there.

I had the mother of all panic attacks the evening of my brother’s wedding. Part of the reason is that I have been having these unexplained bouts of social anxiety and get really really nervous around people for absolutely no reason at all. This was compounded by knowing I was going to see relatives that I hadn’t seen in years, and instead of feeling happy about this, like a normal person would, I had been stressing out over imagining them discussing how fat I’ve gotten. (I think I’ve been around this sort of person a bit too much where I live.)

So I took some anti-anxiety stuff, plenty of it, and got dressed for the wedding, even though I felt like throwing up. My dress made me look seven months pregnant. Actually, it was my stomach that made me look that way, but whatever. So I started crying. Not just about the dress/stomach, but about being the wreck that I currently am and being scared that I was going to mess up my brother’s wedding, because, check this out, this is how I think:

I imagine myself at my brother’s wedding. I’m holding in the panic and tears the best that I can. I have a horrible panic attack, perhaps die, and ruin Todd’s wedding completely. Or I faint. Or start crying uncontrollably (the most realistic possibility). At any rate, I ruin my brother’s wedding.

So the thoughts about ruining his wedding cause me even more panic/stress stuff, and by this time, I am crying uncontrollably. My face is red and my eyes are pretty much swollen shut. Even if by some miracle I get my act together, I will be a distraction because I look like I have, well, been crying uncontrollably for a while. And I know (this is not at all unrealistic) that I will start crying again when they say their vows, only it will be way too many tears, wildly inappropriate, and people will probably think, Jeez, what’s up with that, she must have been having an affair with her brother or something, what a bizarre family.

So I stayed home.

I missed my brother’s wedding. He is 35, and this is his only marriage. It was a serious, serious low point in my life.

I feel like I’m going crazy. I know my thoughts are unrealistic, but I’m having a hard time stopping them. I found out that Zoloft discontinuation symptoms can last for quite a while, and that some people don’t even have them when they first quit the drug. I was rockin’ it for a month, and then this hit, about the same time that Sage had the MRSA. Maybe the stress of that kicked in the withdrawal stuff, who knows.

If I had had even an inkling that I would have missed my brother’s wedding because of being a complete and total wreck, I would have never stopped taking it.

I really hope that this is the reason, actually. A chemical reason for being crazy is better than no reason. And I can hope that my brain heals itself. I couldn’t stay on it because it seems that every month my short term memory just gets worse and worse. I can’t remember people’s names and stuff that they’ve told me about themselves the last time we saw each other. It hurts socially and makes me feel really dumb.

I really hope all of this resolves itself.

Wile E did another outrageous thing (I have pictures) that I will post about in a couple of days. It’s not all terrible, you know? I’ve just got to concentrate on the positive. I posted this here because I had to have a place where I wasn’t lying about the wedding…

And don’t they both look just wonderful? I’m so happy to have Dana in my family and Todd, my brother, happily married.

Seriously, I never thought I’d be writing about animals so much on this blog. Before we got Wile E, all Salsa and Varmint really did was hang out. Not much to write about there. Then we got Gordon, and we had some hissing drama. Still not much to write about. Wile E, however, has brought drama into our previously quiet little animal kingdom.

The story this time, is about a new skill that Salsa has learned. She has learned how to put Wile E outside at will. Pretty clever.

The way this got started is that Wile E would not come when we called him, so we capitalized on how he follows Salsa everywhere and would call her to the door whenever we needed him to go outside. Salsa would usually go out too, and the problem was solved. He’s getting better about coming when he’s called now, so there’s no need to enlist Salsa’s help.

Salsa hasn’t forgotten our little trick, apparently. The other day, she barked at me and headed for the back door. Wile E, of course, followed. Being the pushy animal he is, once I opened the door, he shoved past Salsa and ran outside. Salsa stepped back from the door and refused to go out. Then, when I shut the door, she did a happy dance. I kid you not. She was all bouncing around happily and seemed to be grinning.

I realized what had happened as soon as I walked back to the front of the house to get my keys. Sage and I had both put our shoes on, and Salsa knew we were going somewhere. She wanted to go too, but without Wile E! So that’s what the happy dance had been about.

She’s pulled this trick a couple of other times as well. She does it when she gets tired of Wile E being in her face. Sometimes she just wants to go back to chillin’ and since Wile E doesn’t hang like the rest of the crew, she puts him out. Who says old dogs can’t learn new tricks?

This version of “If I Were a Carpenter” is done by Alison Krauss and Dwight Yoakam. If you like to sing along, well, here are the lyrics. Basically.

“If I Were A Carpenter”

[Written by Tim Hardin]

If I were a carpenter
And you were a lady,
Would you marry me anyway?
Would you have my baby?

If a tinker were my trade
would you still find me,
Carrying the pots I made,
Following behind me.

Save my love through loneliness,
Save my love for sorrow,
I’m given you my onliness,
Come give your tomorrow.

If I worked my hands in wood,
Would you still love me?
Answer me babe, “Yes I would,
I’ll put you above me.”

If I were a miller
at a mill wheel grinding,
would you miss your color box,
and your soft shoe shining?

If I were a carpenter
and you were a lady,
Would you marry me anyway?
Would you have my baby?
Would you marry anyway?
Would you have my baby?

I’m not sure anyone can beat June Carter and Johnny Cash, but this one is close. Sweet Tea also has a version that I like.

Jeez I’m such a hippie.

We named the new dog Wile E. because he looks so dang much like a coyote. It turns out, however, that his name is even more suited to his personality. Living with Wile E. is like living with a very crafty, sneaky person. I have never encountered such a smart dog in my life, and if we don’t get him trained soon, he may go over to the dark side.

Yesterday, I told Wile E. to go outside. He refused. I didn’t feel up to dragging him through the house by his collar to the back door (food and nice words don’t work), so I went outside and said to Greg, “Wile E. will not go outside. You need to come in and make him go.”

Well, Greg was on the phone and couldn’t come back in right away. I walked back in the house, and Wile E. headed straight for the back door to go outside. He had heard me “telling Daddy” on him and decided he’d better get his butt out there. Later, Greg came in the house. Wile E. saw him and closed his eyes like he was asleep. Greg addressed Wile E. directly. One eye opened, and it was full of terror. For some reason, Wile E. will listen to Greg, but he is also afraid of him, although Greg hasn’t given him a reason. It probably has something to do with his prior home.

Today, my mom looked him in the eye and had a talk with him. This was after she found out that Wile E. was eating the back of our house, literally. (He has eaten through two boards and is now chewing away at the support beam. I put hot sauce all over it. Wile E. will probably consider that seasoning.) I swear this dog can understand people perfectly. He certainly catches the intent behind their words. She looked him directly in the eye and told him that he’d better shape up if he was going to live with people. He stood up and growled at her. Not good. He didn’t like her words at all, even though she wasn’t in a threatening stance.

He also likes to steal the cat food when he thinks we’re not looking. He’s gotten rather bold, probably because we are not strict enough with him because harsh words make him cringe in the most pitiful way. He had the nerve to bring the cat bowl TO US a few days ago. Greg had a talk with him. Now he won’t do it if we’re in the house. So, yesterday, when Sage and I were headed to the gym, Sage got the keys and went outside to start the car. Wile E. heard the keys and thought that I had left as well. He headed straight into my bedroom for the cat food. He got quite a shock when I surprised him at it.

I know that Wile E. is the kind of dog who could be trained to do almost anything. We’ve got to find a good trainer and take him. He is really a piece of work. With this kind of personality, he has got to learn to be GOOD!

I had to get some stuff off my chest, but I couldn’t just leave that out there. Not with evil frenemies lurking about looking for something to gossip about! If you want the password, let me know.