Yesterday, we wormed Wile E. In order to do this, we had to find out his weight. So I got the scale, and Greg weighed himself and then picked up Wile E. and I read the number.

I was totally horrified.

You see, the number on the scale when my husband was holding a German Shepard was one of my goal weight steps.

Ye Gads.

I’ve been taking the weight loss thing in 25 pound increments. I’ve already lost one unit of 25, now I’m working on the next one. And the number on the scale was that goal.

It really puts things in perspective. Once I meet that goal, I’ll definitely need to lose 25 MORE pounds before I can put down the German Shepard I have apparently been carrying, in fat.

On the bright side, I stepped it up a bit at the gym today. I’m not at a point where I am running or anything like that, but I can tell the difference in my fitness level. Despite my weight, I was able to walk up the hill to downtown without feeling winded at all. I hardly noticed I was doing it, which was cool.

On the not so bright side, the withdrawal thing is no fun. I had to back off a bit because I developed IBS, an overactive bladder and a whole host of other problems including waking up yelling in the night. When I looked it all up on the computer, guess what the treatment for these things is? Ativan! So apparently, you GET these things when you are quitting. So I’m hoping that going slower will help. Hopefully the doctor (who wants me to quit in a three month period) will understand.

Anyway.

My black moleskine has been seeing some action lately. I have so much going on that it’s just too much to blog about without feeling overwhelmed, so I write it down there instead. There’s also the issue of me having cut my computer time down drastically in favor of more active things, like working out, spending time being mentally present with my family, hanging out with friends and reading some good books.

I went to Galveston for a week–yea! There is this long story around that trip that is just too much to go into here. The short version is that I ended up spending a day in the hospital thanks to a common drug (Aleve) that had an awful interaction with Ativan, which I take for anxiety. Actually, I have taken things like Xanax and Ativan for ten years for anxiety. Has this worked? Hell no. So, the incident in Galveston was a serious catalyst to quit taking this crap. Keep in mind that I was already at rock bottom after missing Todd’s wedding.

I never meant to be an addict, but I am. You can’t take this stuff for more than a few weeks and not be addicted, never mind ten years. So, here I am, down by almost a fourth at this point, and it is not easy. I didn’t think it would be. But I’m super excited about the possibility of my brain being “awake”, feeling smart and not being addicted to some chemical. I’m rocking the whole back to school thing, and this is the greatest motivation to exercise that I’ve ever had. Basically, if I don’t work out, I don’t sleep. This makes it easier to get to the gym… It’s really amazing what diet and exercise can do. I cut out ALL sugar, MSG, artificial sweeteners and other dietary chemicals. I’m working towards only eating meat that is organic/free range. I know if I was eating junk that this would be harder. I’ve lost ten pounds in this process so far, and that is definitely another silver lining.

God is so good. I had a choice between despair and faith, and I chose faith. My mental state is so much better–it’s really incredible. The depression is gone, and has been since the day I chose to face my fears and go to Galveston. There are little miracles that pop up constantly–I call them divine synchronicities–such as singing “Wade in the Water” on the way out the door to the beach, arriving at the beach and hearing someone else sitting next to me singing that same song. To me, it’s like God saying, “Hey, I’m here.”

I really think I’m at this point where I can have my best life, as Oprah would say. I’m stronger and healthier, and there’s nowhere to go but up.

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In other news, Wile E. is being B.A.D. Major destruction. It is just unbelievable. I’m not sure what is worse, Wile E. in the house or the burglars…