Recently, I read this book called What It Is, by Lynda Barry.

The book contains several bits of insight I have enjoyed reading.

“There is a state of mind which is not accessible by thinking. It seems to require a participation in something.”

and

“In a myth or a fairy tale, one doesn’t restore the kingdom by passivity, nor can it be done by force. It can’t be done by logic or thought…Monsters and dangerous tasks seem to be part of it. Courage and terror and failure or what seems like failure…”

I’ve found the first quote to be true when I am painting. I find the state of mind that I have been looking for. Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter if the art is good or bad.

The second quote couldn’t be more apropos to the agor I’ve dealt with over the years.

It’s interesting how reading these things (if you can call it reading–the entire book is an extraordinary series of collages) absorbing them, implementing them, can open that inner door to creativity. My dreams are changing. Even when I close my eyes, I see forms taking shape into the most beautiful paintings, sculptures, films. It’s delightful.

There is an exercise in this book that I have been doing because it only takes three minutes and it is an effective way of keeping a diary without writing a zillion words. What you do is simply write down ten images from the previous day. Here are the ones from yesterday that I wrote down in my journal.

1. The ashes of burnt homework floating down from the end-of-school-year fire.

2. The vague outline of a face I didn’t recognize in the dark.

3. Black cat fur filled with burrs.

4. Glistening white fur on Gordon. (Not good, she is a dark gray cat with kidney failure.)

5. Broken orange Doritos in a bowl.

6. A fat stick thrust through a relatively small marshmallow.

7. 12-pack of Miller Light.

8. Clumps of clothes stuck together in the washing machine.

9. Spider webs in a corner.

10. Sage’s sweaty hair and forehead.

I love how I can go back over this and choose things to elaborate on if I want, or just let the words trigger memories.

Today, I attended the same piano recital that I didn’t attend last year. In fact, I had that post on private for the longest time because I was so ashamed. What a difference a year makes! This year, I didn’t take any benzos, went and had a good time. I think those benzos are such a trap. This month’s Outside Magazine (offline) has a feature on a climber who was in the same haze I’ve been in for years. It was like reading my own story.

Anyway. It was FABULOUS seeing Sage play the piano. He did so well! At the end, he stood up and gave a little bow. He didn’t show any sign of nerves at all. He appeared calm, cool and collected. Later, I asked him about it. He told me, “Mom, I was terrified!” One would have never known.

You can’t really see much, but it was very nice. Here’s a fun pic of Sage wearing Greg’s old scratched-up glasses.

For Mother’s Day (I know, I’m a bit late posting this, or did I already say?) Greg bought me bunches of Copic markers–they’re alcohol based and blend well. They come in a zillion awesome colors too. I’m having a blast. Best Mother’s Day present ever! (Sage got in on the action and bought me a couple as well.)

I am taking a step to rid myself of fear of a different kind. I’ve signed up to put some artwork in a public exhibition, after which it will be sold for a charitable cause. The deal is, they give you a canvas, and you do whatever you want with it as long as you can still hang it on the wall. I have a zillion different ideas and can’t decide on a thing. I haven’t done anything creative since I picked up the blank canvas from the gallery. Ack! I’m committed, though, so I will have to follow through. I’ve got a month to get it, whatever it is, finished.

Does anyone in a hot climate have any exercise advice? I’ve been slacking, because I hate the heat! Hate it! Perhaps I should take the dogs swimming instead?

About three months ago, I wrote about changing my story. I had decided to get off Ativan. So far, I have systematically reduced the dose, slowly, until I have cut back by an entire milligram. I don’t mean that to sound sarcastic–a milligram is a huge deal for me. The really shocking thing is that I feel much better taking less. Go figure, right? So I’m continuing this slow taper–I’m not in a hurry because that’s how I screwed things up last time I attempted this. However, this is not an attempt, I am doing it.

I have decided to do a trial period of veganism. I will try it for one month. I have three reasons for doing this. I am disgusted by meat and our factory farming practices in this country. I have truculent pounds that refuse to come off, and in my story, I am not fat! Finally, I read that Type 2 diabetes can be reversed in some cases with a vegan diet. I’m flirting with prediabetes, and the main reason I have not done this before is that I thought I wouldn’t be able to get enough protein. I researched what I read, and the evidence is rock solid. So, I’m on the lookout for some nommy vegan recipes, since resorting to a diet of guacamole and chips isn’t going to cut it.

The most difficult part of this is going to be cooking for my guys, who have exactly zero interest in this whole endeavor. I’m either going to have to find vegan recipes that are so delicious that they won’t notice the missing meat and cheese, or find a few more very simple recipes to prepare for myself. Right now, I’m eating on a pot of lentil/chickpea curry that I made–topped with avocados and bananas, it’s pretty good. My other vegan meals are oatbran with blueberries and soy milk and roasted Brussels sprouts with baked sweet potato fries. All very good, but I’ll get sick of it soon enough if I don’t find something new. Thank goodness for the Internet, right?

The first thing I am looking up is a recipe for squash blossoms. I saw a few in a friend of mine’s garden, and I wanted to tear them off and stuff them in my mouth. Weird impulse, since I’ve never had them before. Hopefully I can find some to cook–I’m thinking the Mexican market.

Photo by Laskaris

Another thing I am working on is being more sociable. I have turned down just about every invitation to parties and events that I have received. I have a variety of reasons, but not feeling good about how I look is a huge one. Well, my inbox has three invites right now, and I’m pretty determined to go, since not going would make me a bit of a wimp in my story, and parties make stories interesting. One of them is being thrown by old high school classmates whom I haven’t seen in many years. I wouldn’t bother with that one, but I live in a pretty small town, and it seems pretty anti-social to have not gotten together with these folks much sooner.

I have not bought new clothes, other than my summer play clothes, and I need something to go out in. I’m thinking this tank or this peasant blouse. Since quitting my job and freelancing, buying a shirt is like buying furniture was previously. That’s okay, though.

So, hold me accountable. In one month, I should have attended some parties, bought something nice and lost a few pounds from being vegan (I hope!!). The Ativan should be down by another quarter milligram as well. Whoohoo!

AP image

This article makes me really sad.

And incredibly outraged.

BP has resisted entreaties from scientists that they be allowed to use sophisticated instruments at the ocean floor that would give a far more accurate picture of how much oil is really gushing from the well.

“The answer is no to that,” a BP spokesman, Tom Mueller, said on Saturday. “We’re not going to take any extra efforts now to calculate flow there at this point. It’s not relevant to the response effort, and it might even detract from the response effort.”

I think the fact that this is happening in the Gulf of Mexico, where we like to go to play, has made it even more personal. I know I’ll be seeing some of the effects. These greedy idiots’ response makes me want to throw something. And the government’s claim that it is 5,000 barrels a day? What’s up with that?