We miss you! Hope you’re having a great time!

Last night, a young man who had just graduated from our local college, who had overcome the odds growing up in one of the worst neighborhoods in Houston, was shot multiple times in an attempted robbery at one of our favorite restaurants. He died.

The one who did it? One of my former students from two years ago. This is a kid who got under my skin. There is usually about one a year that does. He would always disrupt my groups in a really infuriating, mean passive-aggressive way, and although quite intelligent, talked about how he would live off the system and never get any job doing anything legal, that is. He was quite adamant about that. He had a chance to go to college for free, and he turned it down flat.

So this kid is 20 now, and he is going up on capital murder. With this kid’s mindset, I’m sure he’ll find a way to blame what he did on someone else.

Now, I live in Texas. You know what we do to capital murderers here. This was my student. I should perhaps be sad for what will most likely happen to him. But I’m not. I hope they absolutely throw the book at him. I’m so angry at him, so sad for the many people in my community who are grieving for this other young man who was killed for the money in his pocket.

I feel pretty heartless too.

We went for a quick walk this evening. Sage and Salsa raced, as usual. It was a tie.

Sage picked me a variety of wildflowers, giving me an impromptu bouquet.

Life is good.

We stopped at a hole in the wall catfish restaurant today, and lucked out because a bluegrass band was playing. I was singing along sorta under my breath, and the band ended up bringing me to everyone’s attention, saying that I was the “spitting image of Ricky Scagg’s wife”. I’m so glad they didn’t say I was the spittin’ image of Ricky Scaggs.

Anyway, an unexpected really fun time tonight! Here’s another video, this one of my twin, Sharon White-Scaggs. I really think the only resemblance is the dark eyebrows. Great song, this.

This absolutely sucks. Yesterday, I “did something” to my back while I was cleaning and moving stuff around in the living room. I decided that it might freeze up if I quit moving around, and decided to “work out the stiffness and pain” by gritting my teeth and continuing to do what I had been doing.

Stupid stupid stupid.

I have now been flat on my back in bed since Friday. The pain upon standing up more than a minute or two is comparable to childbirth. I have cried twice, and I was a stoic during childbirth!

I’ve tried Advil, X-strength Tylenol, ice packs (help temporarily), Tiger Balm, massage and whining. I am still stuck here in bed. I’m bummed out because the pain was, if anything, worse this morning when I woke up and I had hoped it would be better.

I can’t even go to a doctor because I would be unable to get in the car and sit up without screaming. Seriously. Much less sit and wait at the doctor’s office. Maybe tomorrow I can get my mom to take me to a chiropractor while I lie down in the back seat.

Greg is at a loss.

Sage and Greg are both sick. Sage has had a fever for three days. I feel awful not being able to care for him as I should. Greg is doing all the work, and he is catching it too. Actually, so am I. Coughing hurts my back even worse.

This absolutely sucks.

I’m lying here catastrophizing, afraid that I am going to miss work (likely) and be like this for weeks.

Owwwww.

It is amazing how much Sage admires Sky. When Sky was here, they spent some time making beads. Sage hangs on to every word Sky says. I think I should quit worrying about times he doesn’t remember what he did in school. He can quote Sky verbatim.

Last week, we were doing our grocery shopping in the Krogers that is being remodeled. LOTS of florescents!

This whole past week, I have lived about five lifetimes. I have:

Contemplated just chucking everything and moving to Oregon, living off savings until I could make money selling bead bracelets on the street or something…

Looked into going to a cosmetology school, going so far as to interview two hairdressers to find out information about income, competition, etc. My mother was NOT pleased.

Talked myself out of the Ph.D. program, on the basis that it will be boring and I don’t want to be bored for the rest of my life.

Talked myself out of that same thing because I can’t afford it.

Seriously questioned that decision and went back to considering it.

Decided not to go to beauty school.

Decided not to move to Oregon, at least not right now.

Wrote 15 articles in one day in a mad attempt to prove to myself that I could make a full-time income writing.

Had crying and anxiety and did not go back to school as scheduled for the first two days. Seriously thought about quitting.

Finally went back and things are back to being fine in that way that really isn’t quite fine, but is manageable.

I put myself through a lot of shit.

So I’ve had a BIG decision. It has to do with the fact that I am getting pretty burnt out on the classroom, yet still have the desire to actually teach something.

I’m applying for one of the 15 slots in the next Educational Leadership Ph.D. cohort. My chances at this point look good. I’ve got GRE scores that are more than 200 points over what is required, my old boss teaches in that department and I have a good background.

If I keep my old job while working towards my Ph.D., it is going to be HARD. Assuming that I get in the program to begin with, of course.

I could get a research fellowship that pays half of what I currently make, but I’d have to make up the money with my Internet stuff. Which means I’d better get cracking on generating “passive income”, because I won’t have time to do anything once this program starts.

I feel really excited and good about this. It feels good to be moving away from something that I am tired of, and towards finding something that I am sure to enjoy. It’s an added bonus that instead of sitting here at my teaching job becoming more and more cynical, I will get to actively work at some of the problems that make me feel that way. I love the idea of being a professor and shaping public policy through my research while teaching.

More money won’t hurt anything either, although we won’t be rich.

Wish me luck on this one! I’ll probably be hearing something in sometime in March.

Hopefully, insurance is going to cover my stuff. I’ve earned $300 writing this month, and I’m getting another $300 stipend for mentoring another teacher. I’ve already bought all of the Christmas presents I’m going to buy, so I ought to be able to get another laptop ($800 range) and then put the insurance money in savings–after I’ve bought a new iPod. That would be a good outcome, right?

Pacian was spot on about how losing the novel can be a positive thing. Now I don’t have to worry about reworking it. I can start from scratch. Perhaps it was an albatross of sorts anyway, blocking me from writing other things.

I tell myself these things, and I believe them.

Yesterday, I came home and noticed that my laptop was missing. It had been sitting right smack dab in the middle of the kitchen table. I looked around the house, and then called Greg to see if he had taken. He hadn’t. So then I called the police, who came over, found an unlocked window (!!) and three muddy footprints.

I wish the dog wasn’t so stinky. I had put her in the back of the house where she couldn’t get out. Nothing was stolen from the back of the house.

However, in addition to my laptop, my iPod was stolen (along with the cord, which was hidden in a box underneath the TV) and hundreds of dollars of software. Unfortunately, the software was in a CD case that also included my novel–the backup copy.

So, the novel is gone gone gone. I guess it was never meant to be.

I am mad mad mad.

When will all this shit quit happening????