I had a nice vacation. I decided to quit the Ativan withdrawal process for the holidays — starting around Thanksgiving — and start up again after the new year. I figured that withdrawing while simultaneously dealing with the stress of the holidays would not be a good thing. So I just stayed at my new low dose. After a while of not reducing, I started to feel really good. Here are some things that happened.

* The agoraphobia went away to a practically nonexistent level not experienced since before I got on the stupid stuff.

* I got motivated and completed more work — both around the house and writing — than I’ve done since I started freelancing.

* I felt good enough to throw a little party, something I haven’t done in years.

* I stopped having a zillion and one health issues and felt normal for the first time in a long time — able to exercise without getting sick — just feeling normal.

* I finally got a grip on the carbs and quit snacking on them all the time to smooth out my brain chemistry.

* The weird low-level depression I have went away entirely.

So now I am starting the process again. I am not looking forward to it. Part of me wonders if it wouldn’t have been better just to have kept on feeling lousy until I was off. It is so tempting to just stay where I’m at, except for one thing — if I felt that good after getting rid of 3/4 of the crap, maybe I will feel even better after I am totally off of it.

You may be wondering why I have been whining about this for nine months now. If I wasn’t experiencing this, I’d be wondering why it didn’t take more than a few weeks. The thing is, even if I managed to quit taking the actual pills in a few weeks, my brain would likely take the same amount of time to rebuild its GABA receptors. Getting off of even 1/4 milligram can create weeks of misery — when I start feeling okay, I cut another 1/4 milligram. That’s why it’s taking so long.

It can’t be rushed, that’s for sure. This whole process is teaching me patience. It’s also teaching me that I am capable of doing damn near anything. Seriously, after this, going on a diet won’t be a big deal.

I spent an hour this morning feeling a little shaky — and more than a little excited — after purchasing this camera with this additional lens.

One reason to get a new camera might be because Sage has completely taken over my point and shoot with his Lego video hobby. But that’s not it — I bought it so I could take professional-looking interior shots for a new project that is in the works. It should be launched in about a week. I’ve been thinking about doing this for two years, and I’m finally there. I’ve decided to produce an online blog/magazine that targets women in my town. It’s scary knowing that my writing will now be read by people I know, but nothing good ever comes from avoiding fear. If anyone knows that, I do.

Another upside to this project is that I will have to get out and interact with people. I might regain a few of my social skills.

Yet another is having a better chance of getting the lucrative freelance gigs, which are difficult to get when you have only clips from relatively low-paying gigs. This baby is going to serve as a big “clip!”

Of course, I’m hoping it will be a money-maker, too. I’ll post the site here after it’s launched. Meanwhile, I’m really looking forward to learning some new skillz with that camera! FUN.

The most bizarre, and fortunate, thing just happened. UPS dropped off my new computer, 23″ screen and accessories without a signature, which they were not supposed to do. We came home and the boxes were piled up against the door in full view of the street. One of them had a big photo of the computer on it. O_o I am soooo glad they were still there!

The laptop has had it. It has had the cord yanked out of it one two many times by Sage and the dogs racing around the room. I am using this misfortune as an opportunity to set up a home office. The new computer is a desktop, which I figure can be repaired if it breaks. (It was going to cost over $380 to fix the power supply on the laptop.)

I am hoping that by planting my butt in an actual office chair in front of a real desk I will be more productive. We’ll see.

I’ve been having fun choosing paint colors, and am going to cover up the cracked yellow paint on the back porch with a grayish beige color. I wish I could replace the yukky linoleum, but I’ve tapped out my savings with Christmas stuff and the new computer.

Anyway, I may post pics when I’m done. I have to admit, I haven’t been enjoying blogging as much lately, because I’ve been writing so dang much during the day for money. I’m sure now that I’ve written this, I’ll want to start writing again!

First of all, the reason the prior post dealing with this matter is protected is because of one malicious individual in town who may read this blog. That said, anyone who uses this as fodder for gossip can go hang.

I took Sage to the doctor on Friday. The doctor took one look at the twitching and blinking stuff and said that he thought he had Tourette’s. I described the other stuff that was going on with him, and, yes, the doctor said the S word. He also said that this was all out of his area of specialization and referred us to a mental health clinic for an assessment. We are going on Tuesday. Sage is getting an EEG on Monday to rule out seizures because he has been disassociating. I never thought I’d hope my child had seizures. The doctor thinks it is unlikely, as the voices, etc. don’t fit with seizures.

Sage has been having an issue with spiders and other bugs in his bed for months. It got so bad that we pulled the bed out from the wall and I had Terminex come and spray all around it. It never crossed my mind that the bugs weren’t real, even though Greg and I never see bugs in the house. It did yesterday, though. I asked Sage if he had seen the bugs. He said yes. I asked what they looked like. He told me that they looked like monsters. I asked him to show me how big they were using his fingers. He used both hands to show me something that was as big as an orange. “But after I start looking at them they get small,” he said. So I asked him if he though perhaps the bugs were imaginary. He told me that if his mind was doing that to him, he’d want to kill himself. We talked about how sometimes the mind does goofy things, and then he told me that there is an “80-percent” chance they are not real.

I was lying in bed thinking about all this and this really dark feeling overcame me and I thought — if something this awful is really happening to someone I love so much, any awful thing in the world could happen. Anything. It was a horrible feeling. I had to deliberately take a step back and be pragmatic. Shit happens, right?

I saw this thing on Oprah’s online site that just gave me chills. It is an interview with a 7-year-old schizophrenic.

Year after year, Jani’s hallucinations change and evolve, but all the cats and rats have one thing in common…they live on an imaginary island Jani calls Calalini. This island, which she describes as a place between her world and our world, is very real to Jani.

“I like Calalini better than this world,” she says.

This stood out in a horrific way because Sage has a “world” that is quite similar. It made me start wondering if something like that really exists that we can’t see. I decided that following that line of thought would make me go crazy and quit.

I contacted our local NAMI contact and will be attending the support group. I’m amazed that such a group actually exists in this town. I just really don’t feel that I can deal with this without some support. Greg is definitely supportive, but he is certainly not one to talk about it. Like me, he just wants it to go away.

I keep thinking I’m having one of those bad dreams that seem real.

I have been researching this issue like crazy since my brother’s breakdown. I keep it all here on this Tumblr blog. It is really my own personal research dump site, but if anyone was interested in this issue, they might find some interesting links.

Anyway, I have this weird detachment thing going on. I can’t fall apart, can’t sink into a horrible depression. He needs as normal of an environment as I can provide. Although, it’s not THAT normal, as we are doing this thing where we eliminate artificial light after sundown in an effort to regulate melatonin which in turn regulates dopamine, which is most likely the source of the problem. It’s kinda cool doing everything by candlelight, actually. I got this brilliant idea when research I was doing lined up with the realization that Sage’s abstract fears stopped for a while after he got back from Boy Scout camp, which entailed a week outdoors in the absolute wilderness with no artificial light, lots of sunshine, exercise, good food and no television.

On a totally different note, I gave up on losing weight and bought some badly needed new clothes. Now people keep asking me if I’ve lost weight. Maybe I actually will if I focus on looking good instead of waiting to look good. Anyway, shopping for clothes is a nice distraction at the moment.

I finally put up my Etsy shop, which has a grand total of four scarves in it. My sister-in-law (the not-evil one) was kind enough to model. If anyone orders one of the “branch” scarves, though, I’ll simply make another and put it back in stock. I plan to make some more little dolls — I just received a package of ridiculously expensive 100 percent wool felt in some fabulous colors. At any rate, here is the link. Do feel free to pass it on!

Sage had a total blast for Halloween. He went to our local shinding downtown with two of his friends on Saturday, and went trick-or-treating and to a “haunted” old village Sunday night. I was happy to see that the boots and shirt got a couple of more day’s use after the Ren Faire!

Greg taught Wile E. how to get in the hammock, of all things. He also taught Wile E. to tell right from left. That animal learns stunningly fast. We should probably work on training him more so he reaches his intellectual potential…

I wrote all weekend, and haven’t been able to write a word today. Well, for money, that is. Go figure. I’m trying to figure out what to do about being unmotivated. I’ve got to get back into an exercise groove, for sure. I feel like I’m turning into The Blob, mentally and physically. I looked in the mirror the other day and realized I looked completely frumpy. I decided to give up on the whole strategy of not buying clothes until I’ve lost some unspecified amount of weight. I went ahead and ordered a couple of pairs of jeans, two shirts and a necklace. I’m making an appointment to get my hair cut and highlighted. I figure if (when!) I lose weight, I can just buy more clothes…radical idea, right?

I worked myself up into a quietly hysterical frenzy on Friday, when I became convinced that I had MRSA (bad staph) because of a couple of blemishes that hurt. This was not entirely unreasonable, as I had been spending a lot of time with my dad up at the hospital when he was there with it a couple of weeks ago. Anyway, we paid $165 to have the doctor tell me that I was most likely correct. He gave me a bunch of antibiotics, which thank goodness I waited to fill, because the culture came back negative. Yea!

Good news: my dad and brother are pretty much entirely better. My brother is happy with his meds, so that is good news for the future.

Sage is definitely having a few issues. The latest thing is this eye tic where he rolls his eyes up off to the side — over and over again. He had this a bit last year before we started homeschooling. He is so motivated to learn when he is competing against the other kids, though. He is especially enjoying math, science and the bassoon. He’s good at it. The biggest issue is going to be boredom, because since he can read music, he has already played through the entire book for the year. He taught himself most of the notes using a chart at the back of the book. I am really proud!

I am starting to miss being around people. Yet, I can’t seem to make myself get out of the house, or do much of anything for that matter. I’m trying to figure out what to do, as pure willpower is not cutting it. I’ll do what I absolutely have to do and that is about it. Tips?

They match. Each other, and the living room. I took this just now before they took off for the Ren Faire.

I love my guys so much.

I’m struggling right now with depression. The signs are there — I can’t seem to wake up (I could sleep 24/7), don’t have a speck of motivation and keeping bursting into tears at the tiniest things. I’m fighting it by forcing myself to take the dogs for a walk, eating healthily and generally behaving as though I’m NOT depressed. I decided to indulge myself in a bit of list-making.

The Sads

* Sky is leaving on Saturday. I’ve enjoyed having him here so much. He helped a lot by being there for both my brother and my dad in the hospital, and providing support when my uncle died. This couldn’t have been a very cheerful trip for him. I worry about this sweet boy. He’s planning to resume his travels — Austin, California and then Mexico.

* My parents, particularly my dad, seem older. The whole situation with my brother has made me see their vulnerability. Not to mention my dad’s stay in the hospital earlier this week, which hadn’t occurred when I wrote my last post.

* My failure to decrease my meds any further. I had been making good progress. I’m almost there, actually. But the last two times I’ve tried to cut the dose, my back has seized up to the point where I can’t function. So I’m biding my time, waiting for things to calm down. I hope I’m doing the right thing.

* The realization that I will probably be the person who is responsible for my brother’s care. I am learning all I can about schizophrenia, and probably need to stop for a while. It is really intense stuff.

* Worrying that my mom hasn’t had the opportunity to really process her brother’s death. She wants to go to his wake so badly, but with the shape my brother is in (he’s still in the hospital, still delusional) this is unlikely. I know she won’t leave the state.

* Am not traveling at all because I can’t handle the anxiety without pills. Refuse to take extra pills. So, have not visited my brother and will not be going to the renaissance fair with my guys this weekend.

* I’m so lonely in this town. There is really no possibility of leaving. I want to get the travel thing under control (perhaps in a couple of months when I’m totally off the pills) so that I can go to Austin and spend some time with my best friend and hang out with some other folks that I miss.

* My dog Salsa is getting old. Lots of gray hair and arthritis. She can’t handle walking much anymore. She is a reminder that I am at a point in my life where I am staring many possible endings in the face.

The Happys

* Sky is here. I feel so fortunate to have a son who comes to visit in-between all of his travels. He is such a good person, and I am proud to have raised him.

* Greg, Sage and Sky. We are a happy family. We laugh a lot, eat good food and have fun with one another. I never dreamed I’d be this blessed.

* Sage is doing great playing the bassoon. Since he can read music, he’s several pages ahead of the rest of the class. He picks it up so fast! He’s also taking piano again — we had discontinued it because we thought the bassoon and homework would take up too much time. Surprisingly, there’s much less homework in middle school than there was in elementary.

* I got to make a bowl yesterday on a pottery wheel at the university with Sage and his friend, who are working towards a scout badge. When we got home, Sage asked me if he could go to school for both music and art when he is older.

* Have a husband who gives Sage a very rich life. Last weekend they camped on the Sabine, this weekend they are headed to the ren fair. Greg and I are both saving for them both to go skiing in Colorado this Christmas break.

* My animals. I’m such a recluse these days. It makes me so happy to have Varmint curled up next to me and the dogs talking to me about going for a walk. And yes, they DO talk.

Simply typing the last part of this list gave me some energies to go and walk the dogs. It’s a beautiful day.